Ok, we just got back from our summer vacation at the beach. We had a great time in general, but you know how it is… we went to the beach with the whole family (12 people total) and that always means drama. My mom has always been like this but she really irked me this time… let me explain.
Mom has this thing with money. Her whole universe circles around money. I guess that is why she has so much of it now.
She gets on my nerves at times even though I expect it and know she’s like this. Mom wanted to have everyone at the beach this year… She was treating my older sister’s family of 4 to this vacation which is fine with me. They don’t have much money and with two small kids under 2 years old, this was the only way they could go to the beach. But, I do not agree with the fact that she was also treating my younger sister and her husband to the trip as well. Mom was paying for her room even though they have great paying jobs, have no debt, and have no children. Me, DH, and our kids have to fend for our own hotel room which I’m fine with as I should pay my own way but Mom did say that she would pay for a few of my meals. Ok, great… Now, Mom is not a fan of going dutch – if you pay, you pay for everyone… and she expects me to pay for some meals but doesn’t expect my sisters to pay.
Day 1 – Mom pays for dinner at The Olive Garden ($110)
Day 2 – Mom pays for lunch at McDonald’s ($45). I pay for dinner at Subway ($25).
Day 3 – Our little core family goes off on our own during the day but we meet up with everyone for dinner. Mom makes it a point to say that my little sister and her husband paid for lunch at the K&W ($60). What does it matter to me?
Day 4 – I pay for brunch ($97) at a local pancake house, Mom pays for dinner ($75) at Ruby Tuesdays, and then we split up for the evening. When we met up again that night, Mom makes it a point to tell me that my older sister paid for a midnight snack at Burger King ($12). Again, what does it matter to me since I wasn’t there anyway?
When we were leaving the pancake house, my mom hung behind as we all were piling out of the building to check and recount the tip that I left on the table. She already knew how much I left to begin with. Why does she do this? She ALWAYS does this when I pay for any meals. And, why does she make it a point to tell me that my siblings paid for meals when I don’t care. She doesn’t make it a point to tell them when I pay for things… but it’s always been that she wants me to know when they do things “good”. And the argument can’t be made that we just make more because my younger sister and her husband make good money too and without kids, they have more disposable income anyway. Here’s the irony in the whole situation… my older sister, the one without any money and a huge amount of debt, drives a brand new 2008 Town and Country to the beach. My younger sister drives a brand new 2008 Honda Pilot to the beach. DH and I drove our 1996 Toyota Sienna - so you tell me, who out of the group should get more of my mother’s “money attention”? I’m not extravagant by any means but yet I’m under the microscope all the time.
DH and I took our kids to play mini-golf one night and when we got back to the room, the first thing out of mom’s mouth was not “did you have a good time?” but rather “how much did it cost to play”. Same thing when we went to the water park… when we got back, all she cared about was how much it cost to get in…
After spending 4 whole days with her, I guess this just got on my nerves even more than usual. I’m so glad to have gone and spent this time with everyone but let’s just say that I am very glad to be back home too!
So, does anyone else know anyone like my mother or is my mom just very “special” in her own way?
Do you know anyone like my mom?
July 7th, 2008 at 03:48 pm
July 7th, 2008 at 03:56 pm 1215446170
July 7th, 2008 at 04:05 pm 1215446708
My partner's parents are terrible with money...they always have way nicer things than my frugal parents but also are constantly dodging creditors, the IRS, etc. They live in another part of the country, luckily. One night my partner in a phone conversation was bragging about me and how good I'd gotten at handling all our finances and making sure we had money for everything we needed. A couple days later her mom called her at work to ask for money. My partner had to explain to her that while we're budgeting well, we don't have extra money left over and still have a lot of debt to contend with. My partner also offered to send her mom all her spending money for the next couple weeks, and that she got $60 from me every Friday. Then her mom called back and left a message asking how much did my partner really trust me, and wasn't it a bad idea to let me control all her money? So yeah, very bad relationship with money and also with interpersonal trust. Different from your mom, but equally bad.
July 7th, 2008 at 04:37 pm 1215448638
July 7th, 2008 at 05:38 pm 1215452303
I would suggest that you have a talk with her, when you aren't angry, and tell her how her behavior affects you and your family. Tell her that you feel like you are being punished because you are financially responsible, and she is rewarding those who aren't. Use the new cars, that the siblings (who can't afford them)drive, as an example or their being financially irresponsible. She is rewarding their irresponsibility and punishing you for your responsible ways. Mothers have a tendency to want to help those who appear "helpless", but what they are often doing is enabling irresponsible behavior.
July 7th, 2008 at 06:40 pm 1215456003
I'm a good bit older than you (49) and have been on both sides of this - as a daughter with siblings who seemed to get a lot more help, and as a mother who tries to help out where needed (in our case, this is less financial help than babysitting, etc.). It's hard to make it all fair, as a parent, and perhaps really we shouldn't even try. We'd just make ourselves crazy. I would like to point out to you, as gently as possible, that the issue that is bothering you may have more to do with sibling rivalry issues than a particular gripe with "how your mother is". It is always good to vent, though. Hope you're feeling better about the vacation now.
July 7th, 2008 at 07:02 pm 1215457348
I am glad that you had a good time with your children, that is the most important thing.
It sucks how your mom isn't even with her "help" and you're penalized for your self sufficiency. I have a brother who is "too poor" to pay his law school loans. He makes as much as my husband, and I'm a SAHM who watches every dollar. Every expense is planned and we are managed to pay off the debt we acquired. I didn't run to anyone to pay my student loan or my insurance or my car repairs.
See my post about "How did they get so rich?" a few before yours. Strikes the same chord.
July 7th, 2008 at 07:26 pm 1215458816
/sigh Sorry!
July 7th, 2008 at 08:40 pm 1215463229
July 8th, 2008 at 03:39 am 1215488352
I was usually about 2000 miles away from my family so I avoided that. MIL has those tendencies with some of the grandkids and cousins. I ignore it as much as I can - lie there and think of my own bank account, if you know what I mean.
One of the more interesting points about the Millionaire Next Door was on parents a bit like that. The ones that provide life support, but end up the Bank of Mom and Dad.
July 16th, 2008 at 06:15 pm 1216232150
And we live internationally from his parents and 6k miles from mine. I'm glad it's far that way we don't have to see them often.