Ok, so after dinner last night, DH and I had a serious discussion about our wants... we made lists and they looked like this:
My list -
pay off car loan balance of $9,000
save emergency fund of $10,000
His list -
plasma tv $2,000
digital camera $300
2007 Jeep Wrangler $20,000
computer $800
So, who thinks we are on the same page concerning how we should use our money? Yeah, that's what we thought. He says we are so young and should enjoy things. I said I don't like to owe money to anyone and would like to prepare for the unknown. What if one of us lost our jobs or got into a serious accident? We'd be up the creek. He asked when did I get so negative and I asked why does he have to be so materialistic. Let's just say the conversation got pretty heated. He then proceeds to fall asleep on the couch and slept from 7:00pm - 7:00am this morning. Sometimes I wonder about his priorities in life. I mean I know he loves us and his family is first but with all the "toys" he already has, I get so frustrated. We just bought this house and it has 3 stories. The first level is all his to fill up with his crap. Let me tell you that the entire floor is FULL of boxes and boxes of collectibles that don't do anything except sit there. He's always bought stuff and I've come to terms with it... I think the most he's ever spent without telling me first was $800 on one item. We've had this kind of "argument" on and off over the past 15 years and we've always gotten over it somehow but this time was different. I kept getting the impression that he felt like "woe is me" and that he never gets what he wants, etc. I think that he thinks that I am such a tightwad and that I need to loosen up a bit. How the heck do we compromise? I have asked my parents to get us the digital camera for Christmas. I think we could swing for the tv and/or computer... but I will NOT agree to getting the new car. Am I being unreasonable? Why is it that I can't get him to see the benefits of paying off the car loan we currently have before we tie ourselves in yet another car payment? He says that it would be the car he would drive and that he should get what he wants. I said that it should be something we both agree to first but he kept saying that he should get what he wants... Ugh. So, needless to say, I had to give the kids their baths and put them to bed all by myself. And since he was curled up on the couch snoring, I took the time to watch a chick-flick in our bedroom. Anyone ever see "The Prince and Me"? After watching that movie again, it reminded me of the times when DH and I were dating and when everything was so much more relaxed and hot between us. Of course, that was college and we were yet to face adult decisions about anything. But it did make me remember how I used to feel about this man and how excited I used to be to just hold his hand. Maybe we just need to go on a date again and revisit our love for each other... you know how it is with kids and the daily rut. Ok, sorry for all the ramblings... just jotting down my random thoughts to get me through this hump. This morning, DH apologized for being such a grump and wanted us to have a better day, etc. So, all is well but we still have that white elephant in the room concerning our finances. I guess we are both stubborn in our ways. Ho hum....
Husbands just don't get it! (Warning: Long Vent)
November 29th, 2006 at 01:38 pm
November 29th, 2006 at 01:59 pm 1164808793
another trick: just yesterday i created a spreadsheet that calculates compound interest over 6 years based on my grand yield direct savings account. i've printed out 3 versions: saving an easy amount, saving a do-able amount, and saving an amount that would require effort on both our parts. now when DH talks about something he wants, i can refer to the sheets and instantly give him a better idea of how long it'll take to save for X.
November 29th, 2006 at 02:04 pm 1164809047
DH turns his eyes up when I talk about our money or show him yet another spreadsheet that I've created. When it comes to OUR money, it's very one sided as to how that money is taken care of. He wants me to be in charge of it all. I want to be in charge of it all. But when it comes right down to whether or not he gets what he wants, then he feels that I'm too controlling over OUR money. Yet, he doesn't even care to know squat as to where we have our money or how much we have or don't have. And when I try to tell him what our money has been doing, he just turns his eyes because he's not the least bit interested. It really is him "wanting his cake and eating it too" scenario.
November 29th, 2006 at 02:30 pm 1164810635
Sadly, this sounds about right for most guys I know out there... and even myself when I was in my late teens / early 20's.
And, I know I'm not exactly a voice of authority or anything, but.... What about splitting your money halfway? For every dollar you get to do whatever you want on your list, he gets a dollar for whatever he wants on his list.
I realize that's like... slowing down the savings by half... but, it's at least fair. Plus, he would also realize that the more he is able to contribute, the quicker he can save up for the stuff he wants (which also helps you speed up your savings).
Last but not least, please don't forget something that I told my best friend's wife when she got frustrated about her husband's spending. I told her that that's exactly why he needs someone like you in his life... because if it wasn't for you and her to take care of them financially, they would have spiraled hopelessly out of control.
Most of us guys may not even realize this yet, but you ladies are our heroes.
November 29th, 2006 at 02:35 pm 1164810953
i've thought about doing this, but then i know i would feel cheated b/c DH would think nothing of spending his half on junk and my half would go towards debt reduction, savings, and all sorts of other stuff that would benefit both of us, not just me.
perhaps try to split any extra monthly money into 3rds: his, yours, and the house's. the house could be long term savings, vacation, debt reduction, etc. yours could be retirement or something else that would be geared just towards to. and his... well, his will probably be a bunch more boxes in the first floor!
November 29th, 2006 at 02:56 pm 1164812200
I know I'm making him sound awful but he really is a good guy and he loves us all and is a super dad.... he just has a problem when he gets hooked on something... for example, if he all of a sudden finds interest in the Alien movies or something like that, he doesn't settle for just buying a dvd. He wants all the little figures, collectible crap, and everything that is associated with the Alien movies that he can find - on ebay, in the stores, online, anywhere. It's a bit of an obsessive compulsive disorder. That interest will last for about a month until the next interest comes around. Then I not only have a house full of Alien crap, I'll have a house full of the next round of crap. It's very frustrating.
November 29th, 2006 at 03:21 pm 1164813671
Does your husband work, by the way?
I think the main problem here is that he uses his credit card, but you are the one who pays for it. Just imagine what his perspective could be on that credit card. "I get to use it... but I don't pay for it!"
After maxing out all 4 of their credit cards, my best friend and his wife cut them all up, and he is relegated to only his debit card (which is re-filled by with his own money because he works). Now, even though he still doesn't track his money, whenever he wants to buy anything, he has to use his own money. And if he doesn't have enough, then his card will get declined. I think that's a far better solution for them... and I hope that you will find a solution that works best for you as well.
November 29th, 2006 at 04:54 pm 1164819262
November 29th, 2006 at 04:54 pm 1164819299
Have you started having the kids help donate a few things a few times a year so that they get the decluttering bug too?
Good luck!
November 29th, 2006 at 06:34 pm 1164825252
He's sold on ebay before to help his habit. It helps keep him "funded" but the funny thing is that when he sells on ebay, he keeps all the money the buyer sends him, but I have to fork out the money for shipping and ebay fees. Ain't that somethin! It's a lot of give and take for me to live with the situation but we've made do... it helps A LOT that we have the extra cash flow or else I'd be singing a different tune.
Yes, he works. He actually works a nice full-time job and a part-time job 2 days a week because he knows that he spends too much money. It's like he knows better but can't control his spending urges.
Thanks for all your support.
November 29th, 2006 at 06:54 pm 1164826489
I feel for you, though, it must be really difficult to deal with this...and, no, he doesn't sound like an awful person....just as someone who has a problem handling his finances!
November 29th, 2006 at 08:45 pm 1164833139
Naturally, no one should blow everything they have, but instead of giving him a credit card for HIM to use, but YOU are paying on, why not just give him the debt card that's tied only to his checking account?
Oh, and even though I am a guy, I am most definitely on your side.
November 29th, 2006 at 09:18 pm 1164835135
I know what you mean though... I definitely agree that he should be allowed to buy some things just for the heck of it... me too, for that matter. Ho hum.
November 29th, 2006 at 11:32 pm 1164843144
my DH is a saver (thank goodness) but i know he still sees lots of stuff he wants and feels deprived... so do i...i think that's kind of normal especially with our tight budget...luckily we have each other just as your DH is lucky to have you...
and i don' t blame you for not wanting to split it in half and let him spend his half on fun stuff... it's not fair to you... i hope you can find a workable solution... good luck
November 30th, 2006 at 12:49 am 1164847776
June 21st, 2007 at 09:19 pm 1182460760
I'm not sure anymore where I heard the above quote, but this posting just reminded me of it for some strange reason.
I too have a similar problem to yours with my fiance. I have changed my view on the subject of things since I moved out of my parents house and had to fend for myself. I used to be a hoarder and loved to buy new stuff (mostly clothes). I'm slowly de-cluttering my life and actually DREAD any shopping other than grocery shopping. BUT my man always has something new he wants/needs and I keep trying to convince him that we need to save. Sometimes it seems all the saving I do is just so he can have more stuff.
I see alot of my dad's behaviour towards money reflected in how I handle it, and unfortunately alot of my mother in my man's behaviour.
I still love him and wish you good luck with your DH.